1-16-06

Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."

"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real asshole!"

1-26-06

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained,' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......

Ali G interviews Posh Spice & her husband. Real funny!!!

http://www.break.com/index/aligbeckhams.html

1-27-06

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency. 'I saw a woman hit by a car,' he said. 'She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.'
'How horrible! What did you do?'

'Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.'

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

Top 10 Things to do at the Mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

Cajun Math Test

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

1-30-06

A rich oil sheikh was visiting the White House to discuss the oil trade with political bigwigs. His personal servant was attending to the sheikh's every need, as was customary and expected. The sheikh, never having tasted salted peanuts before, took an instant liking to them, and began munching them like you wouldn't believe. Naturally, the salt made the sheikh thirsty, and he called to his servant to get him some water. His servant left the room and came back with a glass of nice, cold water. Munching some more on the peanuts, the sheikh got thirsty again, and called to his servant to get him another glass of water. The servant immediately complied with his master's wishes, and returned in a jiffy with another glass of water. Really taken by the peanuts, the sheikh virtually stuffed himself on them, and got a healthy thirst to match. He called to his servant to get him some more water, and off the servant went. This time, he came back empty-handed. The servant apologized profusely, and begged his master's forgiveness. Furious, the sheikh yelled and screamed at his servant, 'You son of a flea-infested camel, why can't you bring me my water?!?' 'But Master', begged the servant, 'I cannot bring you your water because a white man sits on the well...'

1-27-06

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency. 'I saw a woman hit by a car,' he said. 'She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.'
'How horrible! What did you do?'

'Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.'
I was hoping this was gonna be an "on star" joke, I hate that shite

ha, i dispise it as well, big brother is watching you!

Those dorky radio spots make it sound like people are really helpless after an airbag deployment......kinda like when you set off the burglar alarm at work.. after a while you get a call from someone in florida, telling you the alarm is going off.

1-31-06

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Wisconsin and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: It's your last paper in your final year.
Bad: You studied your Maths throughout the night till morning.
Ugly: You went for the paper and found it to be Sociology.

Good: You are going to have a good time with your wife.
Bad: Your wife says she couldn't find the pill.
Ugly: Your daughter is using it.

Good: Your daughter went out to a party in her most beautiful dress.
Bad: Your daughter came back at 2 a.m.
Ugly: Your daughter came back in a man's outfit.

Good: You enjoy nature.
Bad: You fall into a leech-infested mudpool.
Ugly: You are naked.

This one's dedicated to the people in IRAS (no offence intended) :
Good: You are posted to the telephone team where you always wanted to
be.
Bad: A taxpayer calls up and shouts vulgarities at you.
Ugly: The caller is your father.

You might be a ricer if....

1. You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower.
2. You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels.
3. Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque.
4. You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car.
5. You put your automatic car in neutral at every stoplight in order to roll it back and try to fool other people into thinking you have a manual transmission
6. DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for.
7. Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering wheel, PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts.
8. A chameleon lizard undergoes fewer shade changes than your custom paint scheme.
9. Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire / wheel from underneath the car because it simply won't fit in the wheel well going in from the side.
10. The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under warranty, and you've only had it 6 months...
11. Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1".
12. You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to stick out past the fender.
13. You see cars like yours in a Shriner's Parade for Children and clowns are driving them.
14. You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size when you shop for an aftermarket exhaust system.
15. Your Eclipse GS-T hardtop has a "SPYDER" emblem on the rear...
16. Your sum knowledge of suspension is: "the more negative camber, the better the handling."
17. You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can break into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs.
18. You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket ground effects, neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out the rear seat for weight savings.
19. Your rear wing AND your rear window have a third mount brake light...
20. The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long before the actual gauges are hooked up.
21. You cut 4 coil springs and scrape the chassis on the ground. Sparks are cool when you corner at normal traffic speeds!
22. You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot.
23. You install clear corner and brake lights.
24. You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses.
25. You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the first speed bump you went over.
26. If your rear spoiler is taller then you are.
27. You have more stereo WATTS than engine TORQUE!
28. If your tailpipe extension is the most expensive mod you’ve done to your engine yet.
29. Your tailpipe extension fell off during a quarter mile race and you went three tenths of a second faster due to weight savings.
30. You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro, Firebird, or Mustang
31. You want the 'wastegate' sound, but don't want to install a turbocharger system.
32. You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same performance league as the Chevy Corvette.
33. If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your car does.
34. You think the Del Sol is a sports car...
35. You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance
36. If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque
37. If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you more than 5 HP.
38. If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog / driving lights.
39. If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just installed doubled your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of your E/T.
40. Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive.
41. You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that makes a turbocharger system for your Hyundai...
42. MOMO is 'absolutely required' to go fast.
43. The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in other people's eyes.
44. If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a plow effect.
45. If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight blackouts / tape.
46. If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a modified engine.
47. If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point out if asked where those parts are installed.
48. You think pushrods are a bad thing
49. Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds.
50. You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that everytime you hit a bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts.
51. You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low 10s on the street and corners better than a Porsche.
52. If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever running it at the track or getting a dyno reading.
53. You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine.
54. If you have ever thought Hyundai and "performance" went hand in hand
55. If you've ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a 1" to 6" exhaust adapter...
56. If you've removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by cutting them yourself ...
57. If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club...
58. You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp.
59. You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment
60. You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in performance to V8s.
61. You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool
62. If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators
63. If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock 14inch wheels with disc style wheel covers
64. If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eater™
65. If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual exhaust is cool
66. If you think colored head lights work better
67. Clear tail lights and turn signals. They’re colored for a REASON!
68. If you take mom's 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it.
69. You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car.
70. You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him.
71. You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice..
72. Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after they have put on their brakes.. and claim a victory.
73. after losing you flip your opponent off... rev your motor and fail to break the wheels loose even around a corner.
74. you are a white kid driving an import.. wear baggy pants/hat turned around, walk with a fake limp and end every sentence with "yew know wha I'm sayin? Relate."
75. you take offense when I say.. "your sister is like your car.. small, tight and hard to get into."
76. You have to park your car across the road from your house because theres a little bump in ur driveway
77. You use your neibors driveway because yours is stone

And the Number One reason you might be a ricer if... (drum roll)... you use the expression "nos" to describe Nitrous Oxide on your car.

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades!

I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party.

Cartoon...........

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you'vebrushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my god," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

----------------------------------

An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most
favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay
there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell
freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and
slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen,
there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking
hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand
sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"



----------------------------------

So these two brother go up their log cabin way out in the boonies to do some hunting. As they are walking through the woods, one of the brothers steps on a snake and the snakes reaches up and bites him directly in the crotch! Immediately he begins to get woozy. His brother quickly picks him up and carries him the ten miles back to the log cabin. Since the are miles from any hospital, he calls a doctor to see if he can do anything for his sickly brother. The doctor asks him what kind of snake it was. He says:"I don't know. It was about three feet long and was striped yellow and black." The doctor says: "Oh, that's a very poisonous snake. You'll have to suck the posion out or your brother will be dead in half an hour." So he goes to the room where he left his brother and his brother asks, barely conscious :"What did the doctor say?" And his brother says:"You'll be dead in half an hour."

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

__________________________________________________ ______________________

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"